I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
