Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
