hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
