Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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