atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize