If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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