i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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