Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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