at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I don't deserve a penis
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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