woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So gin and wine won't be happening again
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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