So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
