It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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