I want you more than these girls want KFC
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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