I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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