Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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