hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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