I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
COCAINE IS GR8
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
