Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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