when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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