he thought i was a dude.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
