Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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