my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize