We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
