I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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