Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
We have so much sex to catch up on
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
This is my gift to your gina
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
