How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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