you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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