oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
