Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She tied me up with her honor cords...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
