When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
