Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
