My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
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