I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
