I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
That was an excessively violent trivia night
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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