I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize