I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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