He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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