nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
