WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
