my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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