those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
