I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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