How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
