best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
