I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
