I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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