Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
