Non-Jews are for practice
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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