i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
