At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
