You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
