apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
