I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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