Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
