Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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