oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
