I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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