I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
