who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
tequila makes me forget i have legs
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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